Synchronicity Coaching :: Current Article

Obviously, You’re Right! Right?

What is it that you are obviously right about?
Is your memory better than your spouses’?
Are your political views more compassionate/more sensible/more logical?
Do you have more experience/expertise in a specific area of life or work?
Are you the authority on a particular topic?
Are your beliefs/values sanctioned by your religion?
Are your safety concerns obviously right?
Are your entrepreneurial leanings the right way to go?
Are your thoughtful, cautious ways the obvious answer to the chaos around you?

In writing this article, I have become amazed at the complexity of this topic and how easy it is to fall into the trap of “needing to be right”! So, you may identify with one or several of the above questions…or maybe not! If not, what is it for you? I don’t need to waste your time convincing you that I am right. :) Instead, I invite you to join me on this journey as we explore together the pitfalls and reasonable arguments we go through every day in this minefield of opportunity.
So, who is right? Is our legal system always right? Does one person ever have the right to force their belief onto another? Hmmm – who is doing the forcing? The person who is doing/not doing something or the person criticizing/continually requesting/whining until the other person does what they “request” etc?

Do you get my drift?

For many years I have worked with people on their understanding of others and suggested that in any given situation, they look at the other person in the interaction and see them as “right from their own perspective”. I have yet to come across anyone who holds a belief that they think is “wrong”! What about you? Do you find that people think they are wrong and try to convince you of that? Or do you spend lots of time trying to convince them that they are wrong and you are right?

The “need to be right” shows up in many ways – subtle and covert or direct and overt. People who say “yes” and do “no” are expressing a “need to be right” without being forthright …or perhaps they truly forgot this time – which is it? As the observer, do we really know, or are we making an assumption? Usually it is the latter.

In our “need to be right” we concoct elaborate stories in our mind that justify our position – we can often cite examples, bring up previous situations and even take it to worst case scenario. This can be a conversation in your head that may sound something like this, “I’m always the one that has to do it all, if I want it done” or it may be a discussion you have out loud – either way it is an example of the “need to be right”.

So, what happens when you are right…because, as I said a couple of paragraphs ago – you are always right from your perspective.

What is true for me is that you are right …and so am I because we are each entitled to our own perspective – and we may even agree on our own rightness.

When it comes to truth telling, I discovered that just because I heard someone say something, doesn’t mean that everyone else heard the same thing. We each have our filters and interpretations of every situation. As soon as a situation is past, it is history and even if it is recorded, you may not be able to prove that you are right. Why spend valuable time trying to do so?

Usually there are very specific situations that can be cited as examples of “obviously being right”. Most of us believe it is “right” to treat others with dignity and respect – however our definitions may be different, whose is right? Do we cite Webster’s dictionary to prove our point…or do we decide to understand that everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment?

I worked with a client recently who was concerned about the way their friend was driving on icy roads with her in the car – this is actually a fairly common disagreement during a Montana winter. The driver did not slow down as she requested despite her discomfort. With increased intensity, she continued to plead with the driver to “SLOW DOWN” and questioned “What would happen if we DID get into an accident? How would you feel then?”
Who is right? The driver or the passenger? On the surface, it may be easy to see this from only one persons’ perspective depending on whether you have been in a similar situation and with whom you identify – that may be the person you think is right. Would you consider both people are right? I don’t know any driver, who moments before an accident didn’t think that they were driving at an okay speed for current conditions – human error is well, just that, part of our condition as human beings for fallibility! ? The person who does not like someone else driving at a higher speed than they are comfortable is also right.

It may be easy to see my client as the “victim” in this situation as she was a passenger and the other person the driver. However, we are masters of talking our way through situations and trying to get someone else to change – which is usually our “need to be right” showing up. When you are right, as this woman was in being afraid with the speed on icy roads, what are some options? Showing fear and being willing to take action is key. Asking for the driver to stop and let her out of the car because she does not want to be in that situation then calling a friend to come pick her up would be a way of handling being right while not making the other person wrong. Can you think of other options to some of your own situations when you fell into the trap of the NEED to be right?

Here are ten ways to help you notice whether you “need to be right” or you are “being right”

10 Ways to Distinguish the
“Need to be Right” Vs. “Being Right”